11 Random Questions

Several weeks ago, I was tagged by the beautiful and talented Gina at This is Not Your Blog, and asked to answer several questions. Generally, these questions are a bit lame, but hers were Phenominally Difficult, and it's taken me quite some time to digest, and answer honestly. So, without further ado...


1. What was the greatest live music experience you've ever had?
My initial thought was the Incubus 4/20/02 concert, in So Cal - a home show, the kickoff to a new tour for Morning View, on a date important to some of their audience members (I've never smoked, but I get that it's a special day). It was awesome. They even played Certain Shade of Green, which is one of my favorites, and which they NEVER play live. Also, it was a great road trip with my girl @autamday.

But then I started thinking about it, and i realized that the greatest live music experiences that I had were when I was PLAYING the music.

(note: For those new to my life, I grew up in a very talented musical family. My brother is a world class drummer, and my father was concert master of the Boston Symphony Orchestra as a teenager. I was never as talented, but I worked harder so that I could 'hang with the fam. I played piano from 5-9, then quit over a disagreement with my piano teacher, who thought Jazz was lame. I started playing alto sax at 11, and quit when I was 18 because I did not want to access the parts of my soul that were grieving over some family stuff. I regret it.)

[Even more random note: I felt like Voldemort when I just said I regret it, but I actually do regret it, just in case it sounded cold and heartless to you too.]

So, I searched through the memory banks, and declared the most awesome live music experience as the Las Vegas band trip, when Jazz played Channel One Suite, the crowd went wild, and we felt like rock stars.

http://images03.olx.com/ui/1/77/96/5717196_1.jpg

2. What was your worst date ever?
Guess who only went on one official date her whole life? To her husband? The worst part was that it started raining (people in AZ can hear the doom coming) and my wind shield wiper fell right off the car. These things happen when they only get used once every 600 days or so...


3. If money is no object, what would your dream vacation be?
I've already done my dream vacation. I scraped my pennies together until I could spend the better part of a month touring China. It. was. awesome. Everything I've wanted to see since I was 4 years old. My second dream vacation would be spending several weeks in one of those houses in the water in Fiji. Kind of of Isle of Esme style, minus the whole throwing up and being attacked by my fetus part. Destroying bedroom furniture optional. :)

http://www.bestfijideals.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Fiji-Travel-Holiday.jpg

4. Would you rather live in a crowded city or small town?
I would rather live within my budget in a small town (hello, Gilbert, AZ), but if money were no object, my dream place to live would be Cambridge, MA (part of Boston, so big city). Second up would be Solana Beach, CA (in between Cardiff and Del Mar/Torrey Pines) on the beach.


5. Would you be willing to murder one innocent person if you knew it would guarantee an end to all world hunger?
Man here's where the tough ones started. I've been thinking about this for weeks. My answer is - Yes, because innocent people die from hunger every day. According to the World Food Program, 925 million people do not have enough to eat, and undernutrition contributes to five million deaths of children under five each year in developing countries - that's 13,698 children under 5 each day. So yes, I would murder one innocent person to save 925 million people from going hungry.

Wouldn't you? http://www.shc.edu/theolibrary/graphics/hunger.jpg

6. When did you last cry in front of somebody (who is not your partner)?
I cried my eyes out when I finished the PF Chang's Marathon in January - for all to see.

7. Would you be willing to endure night terrors- every night- for the rest of your life if you were given vast personal wealth to use however you wish in exchange?
I have night terrors already, so where's my money b*? Honestly, I hate having night terrors so much that I tell myself every night before bed "Deep, dreamless, restful sleep" and I'm generally able to turn them off. If I forget though... bad night ahead. First night terror was when I was 4, the statue of Mary in my Aunt Mariellen's dining room turned into the Quik bunny, who chased me around the house with a knife until he had sliced off every appendage I had and went in for the final thrust (you can imagine the impact on my religious feelings) The nightmare I have most often is a plane crashing on me. Always happens on a very sunny day when I'm very happy and with family. It's slowly falling out of the sky, generally on fire, and I can't tell which way it's going to fall, so I keep running this way and that until it crashed on me. You're welcome for these visuals.

(note: I was going to put a picture of a plane crashing here, but when I googled it, my heart started racing. So... no picture.)
 8. If you could choose the manner of your death- but not the timing- what would you choose?
A way that would allow me to tell my family that I love them, but not prolong the agony for them (or me.) I can't get any more specific than that because I'm afraid I would test fate. Yes, I am superstitious, even though I'm not religious.


9. Would you rather switch back to black and white TV with only five channels, or no internet?
I would rather have no TV. I don't really watch it, and although I'd miss the Biggest Loser, and the Olympics, I could watch those on the INTERNET. Take my TV now, can we cure world hunger with that?


10. If you could use a voodoo doll to hurt somebody, would you do it?
So, funny story. I may or may not have used voo doo dolls for people in the workplace. There was this one guy, Gregg, who drove me insane with his obtuseness, so I had a voo doo doll for him. I'd just pin him in the legs, no big deal. It was cathartic. Then one day I was talking to a coworker in NJ, who was telling me that she was waiting for Gregg because they carpooled, and I said "GREGG?! Gregg ******? Uh, I wouldn't sit within 10 ft of that guy, he drives me crazy!" and then she mentioned that since they were engaged to be married, it made sense to carpool.
*Insert foot here*
So, I sent them his voo doo doll for their wedding.

I'm shocked by how many voo doo pics have pins in the eyes, not cool people. Also: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD7bW375mrbT8jmD1krEIgRmwEJ3YeykMftVdnB3_L_E4FKyeaLfOMLIeOw_rz6uMsR2ksOOypwqX9J3IPR48TGYD65rq3lRWXaVeWcey4xbEMztKY90cFpEX0_J33Y8WpjHXa6wFvbpRX/s1600/voodoo-dolls-large.jpg

11. What if the voodoo doll was only able to annoy them tremendously (for example: causes pervasive itching of genitals while in public, causes slight ringing in ears at nighttime, etc), would you do it?
I absolutely LOVE this idea. My favorite local bookstore - Changing Hands - has voo doo doll notepads, which I'll admit I've been eyeing for quite some time, but now I HAVE to get them. This is the Best Idea Ever!

So many choices...

1For those of you who have not experienced the joys of adoption decision making, it can be very overwhelming.

Do you want to adopt? Foster? International? Infant? Private? CPS/DES? There are many options, and all have their strengths and weaknesses. For us, there is no perfect solution - by adopting another person's child we run many risks that cannot be controlled because it's not our genes, our health, our environment, our love starting the child/children out. Everyone who adopts picks a process eventually, and I wanted to share some of our thoughts and reasons. For the record, these were OUR personal preferences. I believe other people have the right to make other decisions that work for them.

The first thing that we reviewed and quickly ruled out was infant adoption of any sort. If you know us, you know that a lot of it had to do with the fact that I am dedicated sleeper. Sounds ridiculous, but it's beyond the mere desire of quality sleep (which frankly should be enough of a reason on it's own). I need 8-10 hours of sleep every night, or I become a very horrible monster. Even one night without adequate sleep can leave it's mark. Also, sadly for J, I am a very. deep. sleeper. Nothing wakes me up - not J trying to fix beeping smoke alarms in the middle of the night, not the house alarm going off, not being physically shaken and told I need to wake up because of "X" catastrophe. If someone broke in, I would sleep peacefully through the entire thing. That means in an infant situation, J would be doing ALL the heavy lifting - and as we recently learned with the smoke alarm incident, he would quickly begin to feel an overwhelmingsense of bitterness - not that I wasn't helping, but that I could sleep deeply through the chaos.

(Courtesy of http://fastcache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/13242/2009/12/daddyincrib.jpg)

The second reason is that J is several years (8) older than I am, and so an infant adoption (with the 2-3 year typical wait) would make him almost 60 years old by the time the child graduated from high school. Love kids and all, but that's a little late to be getting your life back.

(Courtesy of http://farm1.static.flickr.com/177/440354778_952d16b6e7_o.jpg)

The third reason was that we both work, and we will both continue to work going forward. This made school age children (or close to it) a better choice for us.

And finally, J was a teacher for special ed kids when he got out of college, and found the process very draining for the parents. There are a variety of developmental disabilities that we believe we can support as adoptive parents, but their are others that we don't feel well equipped for - and most of those have manifested themselves by the time you get to school age. The big ones on our list are fetal alchohol syndrome, and impacts from drug dependencies.

So infant adoption was out.

Fostering was the next thing we looked into, and when we first reviewed it, the laws were set up so that the goal was ALWAYS to reconnect a child with the natural birth parents. That meant that the children could be in foster care for 5-10 years, and not be eligible for adoption, because the parent was still doing just enough to keep stringing the court system along. This was unpalatable for us for several reasons. First, J has a cousin who was fostered by his aunt and uncle since the day he was born, and yet they were never able to get legal custody of him (his birth mother committed suicide after he became an adult) and it was a very challenging situation for all parties.  The other thing that we really didn't like about it was the bonding with a child and high risk for losing them. J already has a daughter he doesn't get to see the way he wants to - adding another bond/taken away situation was not something he felt like he could live through again.

(Courtesy of http://chernobyl.typepad.com/chernobyl_childrens_proje/images/2008/03/13/zhila_family.jpg)

So foster care was out.

That left us with International adoption - so we thought at the time. China was our first choice (for those of you who don't know, I've always had an affinity to China, to the point where I held my eyes stretched for hours at a time as a child convinced that if I held them long enough, I would grow beautiful epicanthic folds). We quickly learned that neither of us qualified. I have a facial scar (yes that's one of the rules) and J was previously divorced. He could requalify after we have been remarried for 5 years, but by then he'll be over 40, so then that rule will disqualify him. Bleh. I want it noted here that we both met the BMI index requirements - China has some interesting qualification rules.

J felt very strongly that we should only work with countries that are following the Hague Conventions. The idea of adopting a parent's stolen children just did not resonate with him, and the Hague Conventions were set up to prevent illegal adoptions. That limited our choices for countries of origin. Not being religious limited our choices way more than I thought it would. Not being married for 5 years left us with 5 options - Colombia, Guatemala, Estonia, Moldova (WTH is Moldova?!), and Ethiopia. At the time Guatemala was a Hague Convention country, but under suspension, so that was ruled out. Colombia made us nervous because it required being in the country for an extended period of time, and the words Colombia were linked with "drug cartel" in our minds. Between Estonia, Moldova, and Ethiopia, Ethiopia was the best choice for us. J joked about conducting sports tryouts at the orphanages, but it really had more to do with the fact that there were rumors of major palm greasing needed in the former Soviet block countries, and we wanted to be able to have a legitimate adoption, without lingering questions or guilt.

(Courtesy of http://www.childrenshopeint.org/ethiopia/image/Cover-2.jpg)

We seriously considered Ethiopia. For a while that was the route we were going with. We liked that Ethiopia was religiously diverse (1/3 christian, 1/3 muslim. 1/3 jewish - this made Sydni thrilled that she had a chance at a jewish sibling) all living in harmony. We liked the perspective of the Ethiopian people, who are proud and loving, but completely overwhelmed with caring for their children due to famine and HIV. They were also open to transracial adoption, which most other African countries are not. We have a diverse family (another post coming later to discuss) so it wasn't a problem for us to adopt a child with a different ethnicity.

The problem was cost. The average Ethiopian adoption runs about $35,000. Both of our companies have great adoption assistance programs, and $10,000 reimbursements, and there is a tax credit for adoptions for about $13,000, so we could come close to breaking even. The problem is that we don't believe in credit, so we'd need to accrue enough in our savings to hand out $35K cash and still have a savings to support the new family. It was a big amount for us, but we decided to put our noses to the grind and start putting serious money away.

(Courtesy of http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/07_01/billsPA_228x388.jpg)

That was when we learned about the new foster/adopt program in Arizona. I was introduced to a woman who had recently adopted two boys from the foster/adopt program, and everything that she told me sounded fabulous. Aparently they had changed the rules so that birth parents were given a specific amount of time to get their act in gear (depending on the age of the child between 9-18 months). If that did not happen, the parental rights were severed and the child would be a ward of the state and immediately eligible for adoption. The agencies that supported foster/adopt would only pair you with children that were eligible for adoption. Oh, and it cost $800, which was reimbursed by the agency upon successful completion of adoption. They also had many older children and sibling pairs already waiting to be placed.

(Courtesy of http://www.mesaunitedway.org/files/images/iStock_000013114851XSmall.jpg)

The foster/adopt (a.k.a CPS/DES adoption) seemed to meet all of our requirements, and allowed us to be able to make a difference right here in AZ. So that's the choice we have made.

Pool Requirements

There have been many items/issues to be considered as we go through this adoption process. This post is on the pool - just one of those small things that has really annoyed us, so I thought I would share!

When we were looking for a home in 2009, we specifically wanted a house that had a pool. It was important, since J's daughter comes out in the summer, and it is frankly brutal here at that time of year. We were very lucky and bought a house that had a lovely backyard (by AZ standards - it probably looks like a side yard for most people, but lots aren't big out here). The most enjoyable part of the yard is that it's green, and you can't see most of the brick fence.

(We have never used the chimney thing - but there's always hope!)

Because many homes have pools in AZ, there is an unfortunately high drowning rate for children here. Every year the fire departments and news stations put out a "No Drowning" campaign, but accidents still happen. So, AZ law requires that every household with a pool either needs to have 1) a fence around the pool or 2) high doorknobs to all external doors. Our house had high doorknobs, which was our preference. Don't knock the doorknobs - Sydni is 4'6, and only this summer was she able to get enough leverage to open the door after three or four tries. I occassionally need two, and I'm almost 5'6.

The pool area was designed to have mesh fencing - and did have it when we purchased it, but somehow the mesh fencing disappeared by the time we moved in. We considered buying one, but never really got around to it.

When we started the adoption process, we were loathe to learn that the judges in AZ have refused homes without pool fences so frequently that no agency will accept high doorknobs as a viable security option. This did not go over very well at all. It was something that took us about 6 months to really agree to, and most of our reasoning was that we could use mesh fencing, and take it down once the children were fully adopted.

(That is not a real turtle on the step. It's just a mosaic turtle, who needs a name)

We found the agency that we really liked, and then we hit another snag. The agency that we're partnered with only works with children who do not have major developmental delays, are relatively healthy, and speak English - all items that were important to us. We also had a great recommendation from a friend, and that is worth it's weight in platinum. The snag? There had been an issue with a foster family who had a mesh fence and had taken it down to mow the lawn - and a child drowned. So, they do not allow mesh fencing at all. No mesh fences. At. All.

Insert an additional 6 month deliberation on the pool vs. the adoption.

When we had really come to terms with it, and said, "OK, the yard is really split in half anway, we could put a fence right down the middle of the yard, and that would be fine." we decided to jump into the training with both feet. We had our initial (exhaustive) home visit which went incredibly well, except for one piece of information - she had concerns that we would be required to put a fence around the entire pool, including this section:

Between the wall of the house, and the lip of the pool is approximately 2 ft (it might be 3 ft, but it's too hot to go out and measure it). Putting a fence in the middle of that not only blocked the view of the yard out of the livingroom windows, but also made it impossible to walk to the other side of the yard - where our good fruit trees are, the AC units, dog poop... things we need access to. This lead to the statement from one person in this family, who will remain nameless:

"F that. I am NOT putting a fence around the whole pool. I refuse to! I won't do it!! End of discussion!!"

Keeping in mind that it means you're also not adopting a child or two, that's a pretty heavy statement.

So, this lead to a panicked review of safety and pool regulations in an attempt to find a loophole - and if anyone could find one, it would be me. I'm a master of reviewing legalese, I should count it as a second language. :) Luckily I DID find a loophole, and so from there it was just hoping and pleading that DES would agree that it was an acceptable safety solution. The loophole was to "permanently disable" the windows from the livingroom and our bedroom that are along that wall. Lucky for us, this couldn't have been requested if the children's bedroom windows were there, or if the gate to get out of the yard had been on that side, as it would have prevented egress routes in case of a fire. So, since we never open those windows anyway (did I mention it's 107 degrees out right now?) we decided to do our initial pool evaluation with DES, and hope that I could convince them that disabling the windows was perfectly legal, and met all safety requirements (please, please, please, please, please!)

Good news! The DES guy was very friendly, and he immediately suggested my proposed solution, so I didn't even have to weedle my way into the discussion. He approved the plan to fence the yard in half, and even showed me how I could disable the windows.

Phew! We might actually get to the training class without another pool catastrophe!

How Did We Get Here?

My Side:
I've had an underlying hormonal issue since I was 20. I basically can't produce estrogen on my own, so I've been post-menopausal for 10 years. There are many symptoms and side effects, from which I spare you the vivid (ly red) mental picture, but suffice it to say that it's not natural for a 20 year old girl to be post-menopausal. Left untreated, it made me "functionally" infertile, which basically means that I could conceive, but not build a sufficient lining, and so would be a miscarriage machine.

In relation to this issue, but because of some of the other symptoms, I've done hormone therapy two times. For those of you who don't know, each time you do hormone therapy you increase your risk of cancer to the 10th power. My symptoms were bad enough that I agreed to that -- twice. So lucky me, having already gone through menopause, I got to go through it again backwards while doing treatments, then waited six months while it wore off in the hope that I would start producing it again myself (which didn't happen). Then went through menopause again. Early in the second round (after going through menopause for a 4th time) I started rapidly developing abnormal cell growth in my cervix, and we had to cut off the therapy immediately. The solution from there was to take double birth control indefinitely, skipping placebo pills, as a low grade hormone alternative.

(picture courtesy of http://www.acupuncturenova.com)

J and I discussed the possibility of a natural birth, but the reality was that it would be high risk. It would require another round of hormone treatment, with enormous cancer risks, which neither of us were willing to do. Even then, there would be no guarantees that I could carry. When we decided that we were definitely never going to go the natural route (before we had clearly defined an adoption path) I had a tubal ligation, and ablation done, so that I could at least stop taking birth control and go back to my natural (post menopausal and 30 lbs lighter) state. That would be menopause #5, and what I dearly, seriously hope is the last one.

The good news is that I learned about my health issues many years ago, and had plenty of time to make a decision on what was the right choice for me. Whether or not we adopt children, I am comfortable with the fact that I'm not going to have my own natural children - or have the horrible symptoms of trying to make your body into something it doesn't want to be.

J's Side:
J's easier. He makes beautiful babies.

(picture courtesy of ME, I take great photos :)

He actively talked about adoption before we even decided officially that we would not go the natural route. J has a big heart. He believes that there are very few ways that you can truly make a difference in your life, and adoption is one of those times. He is energized by kids, went to school to be a teacher, and worked in a special needs class, before he started his own family and needed to make more money.

J was also influenced by a childhood friend, who was adopted, and raised in a loving family. It always impressed him that the child was "one of them", even though he was adopted.

The hardest part about the decision process for him has been the situation with his daughter, who lives in Florida 11 months out of the year. He is concerned about the impact on her (in the other part of her family, she has an older step-brother, and a younger half-sister) not being the special only child when she's here, having to share a bedroom when she comes, etc. He's also most driven to this process because he truly wants to be an every day Dad, and he's not able to do that in his current circumstances.

The Decision:

We've talked about adoption now for several years, on an almost weekly basis. It's a big change, and we already have a great life. I think sometimes that makes it even harder - why make a huge change, when everything is going well? For a long time, I struggled with not having my Sunday afternoon nap. J concerned himself about finances and afterschool activities. We both didn't want to put a fence around the pool (we bought a house with high doorknobs for a reason... but that's an entirely different post). We went back and forth on the idea at least 100 times, and never stayed in a certain direction for very long. We went to orientation for the agency we liked back in December, and we only turned our initial paperwork in this July. So... we've given it a lot of consideration.

(picture from downtownprintwear.files.wordpress.com)

Where we stand right now is pretty simple. In a cold-hearted, rational, logical approach is never ever ever ever ever going to get a family started (I'm pretty sure there's a reason why people are physically attracted to each other, because who would willingly give up Sunday afternoon naps?!). So, we agreed that we're going to sign up for classes, and see where we stand. If we feel good, then we'll get licensed, and then see where we stand. If that works, and we're commited at that point, we'll go for it. But the important thing is that we won't be feeling any pressure to move on to the next step just because we've started, or because I'm writing a blog, or because the family is expecting some changes. The right decision for us will be the right one - so now we're just looking for additional information, and training will give us that opprtunity.