Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Why I Don't Bake

I don't bake. Or cook actually. I occassionally grill, but not with like... stuff. Just the meat and the flame. I make cereal, toast, and pb&j. J does all of our cooking. The #1 reason for this is that I am accident prone.
Don't believe me? When I was 9ish, I was taking a chicken pot pie out of the oven to feed my brother and I dinner, and there was a hole in the pot holder. I burned my finger on the pan, and it made me flinch/jump so hard that my knee whacked the oven door, which then closed onto my arm - still in the oven. Then I went into shock. Luckily my 6 yr old brother came into the kitchen to see why I yelled, grabbed the oven door and ripped my arm out - skin still melted to the door. Ick. So I've been semi-afraid of the oven door ever since.

Then there was the time in 8th grade where I somehow stuck my hand into liquid sugar just as it was hardening, and in the time it took to flinch, had already hardened around my fingers. The principle's office was unfortunately right across the hall, and he had concerned parents wondering why a child was screaming primally in pain during cooking class. I was actually asked to not go back to Home Ec, and had to take a study hall.
The oven also once turned into a complete inferno when I attempted to CLEAN it. Then there was the time I was making myself eggs, when I accidentally sprayed the non stick stuff into the flame and my shirt caught fire. At one point, I was banned from everything but the microwave, and if J knew about the time the popcorn bag caught fire, I wouldn't have been able to use that either. The few attempts at dinner that I have tried have become epic failures only noteworthy for the story you could tell about them. In short, I don't cook.


This morning Melbs mentioned that she had attempted to make a chocolate chip cookie pie, which didn't go well. My absolute favorite pie (actually the only one I like - reason #2 for not cooking is that I'm a very picky eater) is Derby pie, a Louisville classic that is presented for the Kenttucky Derby each year. I like it so much that my mom makes it for Thanksgiving and Christmas every year too.

Delish! Also, source

When I found the recipe online, I looked over at the nutritional facts, and was shocked (in a good way) to find out that 1/8th of this pie is only 506 calories (I was guessing 2k+) and actually had 5g of protein. So I jokingly texted my brother with this information and told him I was going to bake one right now! (Bt dubs, he is actually an excellent baker - he had a cupcake bake off against 8yr old. Syd last summer and even SHE voted for his cupcake)

His response was:

Rob: Wait, hold on a second.... Go through the checklist before you bake:
Rob: 1) Is the bottom of the oven full of highly flammable turkey grease?
Rob: 2) Is J there to tackle you out of danger should something go horribly wrong?
Rob: 3) Do you have the proper makeup tools to draw your eyebrows back on in the event of a fireball?

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Bro! Based on his feedback I'm going to go make myself some... chocolate milk. And probably papercut my tongue with the spoon while I'm at it.


  1. I totally blame stupid American recipes that call for storebought pie crust for everything that went wrong. Because you can't get premade pie crusts here, so we had to make up a recipe and hope for the best!! Totally the pie recipe's fault and not ours... ;)

    And OMG. I'm not surprised you don't bake given those kinds of traumatic experiences as a kid!! O.o

  2. Oh geez.

    Don't try to bake that.

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